I am a woman of courage and faith.
I want to tell you a little about my story, actually the very first moment that I really came face to face with the reality of where I was, my bigger changes didn’t actually happen for a few years after this moment but I want to share this with because it was a very poignant moment in my life. I was standing in the master bathroom of my home that my former husband and I had purchased, we were living in Colorado Springs, CO and we had this tiny master bathroom. It was tiny, tiny literally a shower, a toilet and sink, but it was fine and we were happy to have it. I was standing in front of the mirror and I was looking at myself in the eye and quietly with just, disdain, I hated, hated myself. I was actually looking at myself in the eye in the mirror with complete hatred for who I was. I hated my body, I hated my life, I hated the fact that I existed and I was standing just speaking violently to myself in the mirror. I was saying things out loud to myself like, “I hate you, you’re a bitch, you’re ungrateful, you’re ugly, you’re fat, you’re whiny, you don’t deserve anything, you don’t deserve those beautiful children that are in their bedrooms laughing and being joyful right now, you don’t deserve them, you do not deserve this man that you are married to. You are horrid, you are awful and if you were to die right now today, you would relieve the world, I mean everybody in this world would be better off without you, everybody, your husband, your children, your mother, your father, everyone would be better off without you, you might as well just kill yourself because there is no point in your existence, you are not bringing good to anybody.”
I remember in that moment, I felt like I was literally wrestling with a giant, I felt like there was a giant being in my soul that I was having to wrestle down. And it was interesting because there was a tiny part of me that didn’t believe the things that I was saying but there was this bigger, bigger part of me that was just overwhelming that tiny part of me and it was really scary, it was a very scary moment. Somehow the tiny little part of me that did not believe those terrible thoughts wrestled down that big ugly part that did believe them. Not without a lot of tears and a lot of pain and lot of heart wrenching agony. I literally ended up on the floor sobbing and I know that is not an uncommon story. I have heard so many women talk about being on the floor in the bathroom crying and that is exactly where I was, wrestling down that suicidal giant in my soul and I am so grateful that tiny part of me that wanted to survive, that wanted to live, that did believe in me was able to wrestle down that mean ugly part.
At the time, I was 30 yrs old, I probably about 25 or 30 pounds overweight, I was drinking Dr Pepper 3 or 4 times a day, I loved Dr pepper, I was addicted to carbohydrates, I loved bread, and mashed potatoes and all the stuff we are not supposed to love but we do anyway. I was married and I my kids were 8 and 9 yrs old at the time, I went to church every single Sunday, I served the people at church, I loved the people that I went to church with, I loved my children, I took care of my husband and I loved him to the best of my ability and honestly, I was always giving to EVERYONE, all the time, every single moment. I was thinking, “what more can I do? what more can I do? what more can I do?” And I was giving everyone else, all of me. I prayed every single night to God and I wrestled every single day with this just deep, deep hatred for who I was and who I thought I should be and wrestled with this idea that I needed to be more and that I was never giving enough. At this time I was also on an anti-depressants, I was on the them because I had been fighting depression for a long time. I had been fighting not only depression but also hormonal issues, so right before my period, I would get really, really depressed and just did not handle my house well, my children my husband at the time well and went into very deep depression. I feel like the suicidal tendency in that moment was a result of taking that prozac and I feel like that was the moment of truth for me as well. That was the moment that I started realizing that I was going to have to find a different way to get through this than anti-depressants.
Again, it took a few more years, before I was actually able to make the change and started to realize that what I was eating, the way I was living, the choices I was making, was what was really the reason for my depression. It took a few more years for me to come to that full realization and that is exactly why I do what I do, the word health coach does not completely serve what it is that I do because there is so much more to it, I help women who are in a deep dark place who know that they are more, who know that they can be more but they just don’t know how to get there yet.
I have been there, I have lived that, and I have complete faith that you can do that too. My helping you will only serve to make it happen faster because I know where you have been, I have walked the road and I know where you are and I know what needs to be done to get you to the next level faster and that is why I do what I do, because I wrestled that giant to the ground and I am here beside you and I want to help you wrestle that giant down, if that’s what you want to do, so if you are interested in learning more about how we can work together, get in contact with me and don’t wait any longer. I want to work with you, if you are ready to make these changes and do what needs to be done to make these changes.